From heaven to hell in seven days (and 26 minutes)

If you’re not interested in football look away now.

On Thursday night Dundee United played the second leg of a third round qualifying tie in the Europa Conference League.

If you are unfamiliar with the competition it’s the third tier of European competition - behind the Champions League and the Europa League (formerly the UEFA Cup) - and United qualified by finishing fourth in last season’s Scottish Premier League.

It was the first time in ten years United had qualified for Europe. That brief adventure ended with a 5-0 defeat at the hands of Moscow Dynamo in the same qualifying rounds that Scottish clubs, with their generally poor record in Europe, have to go through every year to reach the main competition.

I can’t remember the last time a provincial Scottish club got past the qualifying rounds and in recent years there have been some real stinkers - Hearts losing to Birkirkara of Malta, Aberdeen getting knocked out by Kairat of Kazakhstan and Apollon Limassol from Cyprus … the list is endless.

Worst of all, perhaps, a few weeks ago Motherwell lost 3-0 on aggregate to Sligo Rovers of Ireland, a result considered so bad the manager left ‘by mutual consent’ before the Scottish league season had even begun.

Dundee United, having finished above Motherwell last season, joined the competition a round later.

Their opponents, AZ Alkmaar of the Netherlands, were clear favourites but United won the first leg in Dundee 1-0. I wasn’t there but by all accounts it was a special evening with a sell-out crowd and a raucous atmosphere.

For the return leg on Thursday United were given 1300 tickets but 2,000 supporters are said to have travelled to the Netherlands. Pre-match videos on social media showed fans outside bars, enjoying the sun, or walking to the stadium in a colourful sea of tangerine shirts and flags.

There was even a feel good story about a group of United fans clearing up after a late night party in a local square and leaving all their rubbish in a neat row of black plastic bin bags.

Despite their optimism United supporters have learned not to tempt fate and this tweet probably summed up the mood before the game:

Loving the @dundeeunitedfc fans in Amsterdam, getting vox-popped ahead of tonight's game.

TV interviewer: 'Do you think you'll progress to the next round?'

Fan: 'Oh aye - we're going to win.'

Interviewer: 'What gives you that confidence?'

Fan: 'Drink!'

Which brings us to the match, which was broadcast live on BBC Scotland and iPlayer.

Oh dear, how can I break it to you?

In the first half, between the 21st and 44th minutes, Alkmaar scored FIVE goals. One minute into the second half they scored a sixth.

Six goals in 26 minutes and in the 74th minute they scored another. 7-0.

Thankfully the game ended with no further goals, equalling but not beating the record defeat by a Scottish club in European competition.

That record is currently shared with Hibs who lost 7-0 to Malmo of Sweden and Celtic who lost by the same score to Barcelona.

Significantly all three matches took place in the last ten years.

To put the Alkmaar result in context, in 1984 Dundee United reached the semi-final of the European Cup before losing 3-2 on aggregate to Roma (now managed by Jose Mourinho).

Three years later, in 1987, United reached the final of the UEFA Cup, losing 2-1 over two legs to Gothenburg of Sweden which in European terms was quite a big club at the time.

En route to that final United beat Barcelona home and away. Famously (in Dundee at least) United have played Barcelona four times in European competition and have beaten them every single time.

Sadly the 1987 UEFA Cup final was the pinnacle of United’s achievements in Europe.

A 5-0 aggregate defeat to another Dutch team, Vitesse Arnhem, in 1990 was dismissed as a freak result. It wasn’t.

Thereafter, having played in European competition for 14 successive years from 1977 to 1990, United qualified only intermittently.

Ten years ago, as I mentioned above, they lost 5-0 to Moscow Dynamo having drawn the first leg in Dundee 2-2. Before the Alkmaar tie that was the last time United played in Europe.

These scores don’t lie. Outside of Celtic and Rangers, who would be lower half of the English Premier League at best, Scottish football has regressed and regressed until clubs can no longer compete with teams in the Netherlands and are losing to part-time footballers in Ireland.

The worst thing about Thursday night though was not the result but the bile on social media.

Most of it came from supporters of other Scottish clubs but some United ‘fans’ wanted an apology from both the club and the players.

Others demanded that the club refund supporters who had travelled to the match.

How ridiculous. No-one need apologise and no-one should be compensated.

It’s disappointing but it’s a football match. Get over it, guys (it’s mostly guys), and get a life.